give up

my ‘pretty wings’ go to shame as i am endlessly degraded. i hold in the tears that instead turn into a built-up hatred, as every step i take is observed under a microscope. indirectly telling me i’m not good enough for respect, or flat out letting me know that my body just doesn’t make the cut. what i once thought were my god-given attributes are instead a warrant for public scrutiny. i am a spectacle that simultaneously serves to be his pleasure and dissatisfaction.

if i respond, or even give an angry glare, chaos. so i continue to walk, attempting to ignore my hair, skin, and nails being burnt to crisp. i survive– barely– as my daily walk is flooded with a storm of harassment. embarrassment.

but as i see through him, he turns my “stuck-up” demeanor into another warrant. oh, so you’re too good for us?

ATTACK.

like frantz fanon’s lived experience:
“they were countering my irrationality with rationality, my rationality with the ‘true rationality.’ i couldn’t hope to win.”

but of course, fanon doesn’t care about my lived experience. i am yet another obstruction to the his recognition. my internal criticism brings him down. my tears that have waited to surface are a sign of weakness that will resonate with the rest of the community. a pseudo-umma that has replaced unity with one-sided support. not only are my emotions not good enough, they have become a detriment. i am a detriment and thereby deserve nothing more or less than pure disrespect.

“you have to be tough to be able to live,”*
i tell myself as my skin’s lack of moisture turns me into stone. i lift my head to the world and feel a frozen breeze blow from my forever-imperfect body. the breeze of anger and conditioned oblivion that i once questioned has finally absorbed into my bloodstream.

i fall over, comply.

i can’t handle this newfound hatred i have. not for the world, nor myself. no, for “my people.”

and i give up on them.

____________________
*Also from Frantz Fanon’s “Lived Experience of the Black Man,” Black Skin, White Masks.

…

afterthoughts: i wrote this a while back, in response to what i saw as the antithesis of unity and harmony. and although i labeled this as an “off-topic” post (definitely a little more personal than my usual stuff), i think this important topic ties back to what we discuss at black queen. we have frequently discussed internal degradation that shows through in family members telling us to get a perm, or “friends” constantly scrutinizing our hairstyles. but where does this come from? how do our interactions with men (whether regarding our hair or not) relate to how we treat each other as women? how do our interactions with men relate to how we see ourselves?

snip snip diaries: fashion and style.

after i did the big chop almost two months ago, i feel like my fashion and beauty sense has been more precise. before the big chop, i asked myself a lot of questions– mainly different versions of: can i pull this off? and then there were some stupid questions. will i need to change my wardrobe? will i need to work out more and lose some weight? all in all, i was thinking about it a lot, and i finally just did it. i grabbed my scissors and started snipping. i knew that i was over-thinking the big chop because of curiosity, but i was hesitating because i had never cut my hair so much. but enough was enough.

at first it was a shock. right after i cut my hair, i stared in the mirror and thought to myself: what have i done?! i’ll never be able to wear a fro. a mini-fro is out of the question. this just doesn’t look good! ugh! but i was wrong. i started messing around with my make-up, hair pins, head bands, and jewelry. i realized that i would have to be a little more creative with how i put together my outfits. super over-sized circular earrings became over-the-top. long, dangly earrings looked more elegant and brought better attention to my face. (i’m also on the look-out for larger studs.) high-waisted skirts and dresses also work better, along with scoop neck (and v-neck) cuts, loose/flowy blouses, and shift dresses. and more than ever, i prefer scarves over necklaces.

in short, i have found that what works for me is finding the right pieces that really compliment my face– not distract from it. with short hair, the attention automatically goes to your face. everything else must compliment your face. this doesn’t have to mean boring colors and no accessories. for me, it was the opposite. my short hair has given me the opportunity to experiment and have fun with clothes that i haven’t used in years. everybody’s style is different, but i definitely think that the big chop will allow you to change the way you dress without changing your wardrobe.

[featured clothing: adorable forever 21 dress with a floral texture. it features an empire waist and deep-v cut that works great with short hair. comes in beautiful colors for spring, summer, and fall!]

feel up.

i was watching a documentary on storme delarverie, a male impersonator and performer during the 1950’s and 60’s. grace jones was also brought up, along with the overall struggle of playing with gender roles, especially in the african american community. grace jones has stood out to me for a while now when considering the media’s portrayal of black women and how this has affected the general public’s perception of us.

slave to the rhythm. a view to kill. nightclubbing. grace’s resume consists of works that, for the most part, scared her audience. but she was a star, and that couldn’t be disputed. the woman who appeared ‘mannish’ in photo and film truly glowed outside of hollywood. even while watching interviews with grace jones, her true beauty shines through in a bubbling character and bright smile. but why didn’t we get to see that on the silver screen? this issue was touched upon in america’s next top model, where cycle 2 contestant xiomara was not happy with her assignment to replicate grace jones. her dark complexion is another factor to consider, i.e. the overall disapproval 0f dark skin amongst whites and blacks (blacks especially) when it comes to beauty.

above all, i honestly don’t think grace jones was ever portrayed as human. she was given an alpha-female, dark chocolate ‘otherness’ role to the public, and her entire marketing campaign was another opportunity to separate the black woman from society. she [the general black woman] is associated with an intangible mystique that separates her from any other woman, while similarly confirming the problematic dialectic between black women counterparts. part scary, part unknown. undeniably conflicted.

i hope we can one day overcome the burden of conforming and reestablishing the past, continuously. i hope our strength and beauty can be recognized not only by others, but more importantly by every one of us.

The World of Grace Jones. theworldofgracejones.com